I’m so extra, but so worth it, kind of like guac …

“The only reward for anything, is food.” – Tina Fey, on set of ‘Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee’ (Netflix)

I’ve reached a point in my life, where my instant gratification comes from regrettably high caloric intakes. Brunch, happy hour, cake in the break room, Glam Doll donuts, coffee & bagels, treats from vendors at work, treats from the all-staff meeting, … As Jerry describes his love for Tina on Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (one of my new Netflix favorites), “One of the things I like about you, besides everything, is like myself, you ENJOY eating things you are not supposed to eat. Because It’s like little mini vacations during your stressful day.”

I can’t help but feel like Jerry is looking through a window to MY soul with this one. Not to mention, Tina’s comment, because I also wholeheartedly agree that the only reward for anything, is food. I find I’m always asking myself, if I accomplish xxx today, what kind of treat will be my reward …

By nature, I’m actually an incredibly health conscious individual. I’m disciplined in my workout routines, sticking to my habits when I decide them, sometimes even skipping or cancelling plans just to go home and make sure my workout gets done. [This by NO means makes the workout any easier for me than it is for you, I’ve just trained myself to produce horrific levels of anxiety and guilt if I don’t get it done …]

In my college years I was so conscientious about what I was eating and where it came from, even taking a year or so to stick to a vegetarian and (mostly) gluten free diet. As I’ve gotten older I have started to develop some issues with self-control, although I’m still fully aware as to what I’m ingesting when I do it. REAL LIFE: like going through the phases of the moon, I go through phases with food, either maintaining control and discipline, or turn into an uncontrollable addict, devouring everything in my path.

I’m 28 years old, live in the suburbs of the Twin Cities, in Minnesota, and work in the North Loop, Minneapolis. I’m a solid mix between wanting to clean the entire house, write a book, travel the world, run 10 miles, become a powerful entrepreneur, all in one day… to the flip side: spend 5 days straight just watching Netflix, and spend another 5 days not leaving my bed. I’m a strong advocate for good balance, in all areas of your life.

On the plus side, I do have a piece of paper that states I studied psychology for 4-years (and one for elective studies Biology), both of which I paid way too much for, but I’ve learned that’s okay, even if they aren’t exactly the areas I want to work in anymore.

It took me almost all of my 20’s to figure myself out, and I’m learning how to be okay with that. I like who I am now and I’m proud of who I’m continuing to become. I’m nowhere near the end of my journey, and in ways I feel like I’m just finally starting to align with my true self. Things are slowly starting to fall into place, after all these lost soul years. I’m not doing what I love yet, but I know that eventually I will be.

As I write this, I look to Tina for continued inspiration … “I have an office that I go to, and I make a coffee, work for like 40 minutes of thinking about something, and then: ‘Should we walk out to lunch?’ And then you go out to lunch and then you’re like, ‘Oh, you know what, the kids will be home from school soon, let’s wrap it up.’ ”

I’ve never so badly wanted any other career outcome more in my life! This is the dream. The ultimate goal … Freedom. Doing my own thing, however I want to do it. I don’t want an actual career, like in the corporate 9-5 death sentence. Yes, you did read that right. I don’t want a career. Instead, I want a life where I am spending my precious time doing things I love to do, my hobbies. I don’t want to have to worry about if it’s covering the bills, or if I can afford to travel or buy new clothes. I want to be able to just live. Without all that other stress-anxiety-bullshit going on.

Overall, I’m a pretty strong willed person. [And I 100% get that quality from my Mother, but it also pairs nicely with my fiery, curly, big hair] Some people think I’m aggressive, or intimidating, even bitchy at times. I’m definitely all of those things, but I’m also a HUGE emotional basket case. Seriously! I feel everything, all the emotions, and sometimes in just a matter of minutes. I’m learning how to let my emotions wash over me like waves, to really truly feel them, then to grow from them too .. and let me tell you, that is hard work!

I love self-discovery, enlightenment, raising your positive vibrations any way you can. Being self-aware is one of my all time favorite qualities in another human. I like to acknowledge the energy around me and practice behaviors that attract good vibes and higher frequencies. I strongly feel a lot of our vibrations can be raised simply by seeing and learning more about the world, and the people that live in it. Seeing things from another perspective, another way of life and culture. There are few things I love more than traveling, and when I’m not having an internal battle with the sudden urge to flee and start a life on the beach, I try to seize what opportunities I can to go someplace new. [Or at the very least, try something new]

Pretty much everything else semi-deep about me can accurately be described through memes:

  • Empath: (n.) a person who is sensitive AF to all kinds of vibes, juju, and all manner of fuckery. AKA an energy bitch who feels everything ...
  • I’m tough, I’m ambitious, and I know what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.
  • When people ask me to describe my personality: I am filled with hate … but in a cute way …
  • I’m at the “we’ll see” stage in my life. With everything and everyone. We will see …
  • When you’re down to earth, but clearly from another planet …
  • Dating me is like: around what time are you going to be able to pay attention to me …
  • I’ll get over it, I’ve just got to be dramatic first …
  • I thought I was in a bad mood, but it’s been a few years now so I guess this is just who I am now …
  • If I was accidentally weird to you once, just know I will be thinking about it every night for the next 50 years …
  • My mood every Monday: I hope the roof flies off and I get sucked into space
  • I just want to travel the world, overspend at Target, and drink coffee while cuddling baby animals …
  • The Universe is my sugar daddy …
  • I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila …
  • : ( : … you decide

I’m wild and I’m messy, but I’m me. ALL me. ALL the time.

If you want to check out more of my crazed life, follow me on Instagram.

Spark Fire Swan

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